When Everything Goes to Pot – Loss and Lessons from 2 Years in Highsolation

Whew! Y’ALL! 2021 has been an intense year full of peaks and valleys. Just before Springtime I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put my senior dog, Titus, to sleep. Then in the same week I lost my day job. Most recently someone I considered one of my oldest friends switched up on me shortly after I came out to her, and I had to walk away from the relationship. I’m not saying any of this to victimize myself or to gain sympathy. Many people have been dealing with so much and I don’t want to sandbag y’all with my trauma. I just wanted to be more transparent about what I’ve been going through. I also wanted to share how cannabis and plant allies have helped me find inspiration in isolation, as well as a renewed sense of purpose in the face of obstacles.

Reluctantly Approaching the Rainbow Bridge

“I think it’s time to let him go,” I said to my mom in between tears over the phone. My dog Titus had suddenly become gravely ill, and his condition was getting worse everyday. He would spin around in circles all day and night, would barely eat or drink anything, and had lost control of his bladder and bowels. My internet-assembled research, a trip to the emergency vet, and a battery of tests provided no concrete answers. It could be canine vestibular disease, maybe doggie dementia, or perhaps at almost 15 in human years, Titus was just succumbing to old age.

When I adopted Titus 10 years ago he opened up my world in so many ways, he had such a big personality, a bigger heart, and he taught me unconditional love. Remembering the times he chewed up a pair of my shoes, or grabbed food off the kitchen counter while I was in another room makes me laugh from my belly. He was notorious for taking food! Titus had a bionic nose that could sniff out any and everything. One time he even snatched my dad’s unassembled birthday cake, and he helped himself to an entire layer (including the parchment paper) before he was caught (my dad was not amused). He was never far from the kitchen table so he could put on his most pitiful puppy face to beg for scraps. After eating said scraps he would fart and then run upstairs in embarrassment. 

Whenever there was a thunderstorm he preferred my bed to his dog bed. He’d wake me up in the middle of the night and would keep me up until I let him snuggle at my feet. CBD treats and a Thundershirt eventually helped us both sleep through the storms. We spent countless mornings exploring the woods, letting his nose lead the way. If I had to run errands he’d demand to come along for a ride so he could stick his head out the window and sniff nonstop. He was my right hand man and my loyal protector. I knew the day would come when I’d have to let him go. I knew it would be incredibly hard, and tried to emotionally prepare myself as the time drew near. But can you ever really be ready to say goodbye to your beloved pet?

The emergency vet prescribed some dementia medication, but he was stumped about what specifically could be the culprit. We picked up the pills and headed back home. When he called later to suggest a spinal tap to (maybe) rule out another condition it became clear we had run out of options. I didn’t want Titus to suffer any longer. On a cold and gloomy Tuesday my Dad drove us to our Vet’s office one last time. I’d been running on adrenaline fumes for weeks so I was in a fog that morning, but at some point during the car ride, the song “Optimistic” by Sounds of Blackness came on the radio:

If things around you crumble

No, you don’t have to stumble and fall

Keep pushing on and don’t you look back, oh

I know of storms and strife

I been around them all of life

Just think ahead and you’ll be inspired

To reach higher and higher

You’ll always do your best

If you learn to never say never

You may be down, but you’re not out

Just be optimistic

Don’t give up and don’t give in

Although it seems you never win

You will always pass the test

As long as you keep your head to the sky

When we arrived and sat down with his Vet I explained that Titus hadn’t been getting around so well for a while, but his health had gotten so much worse despite my best efforts. I broke down ugly crying almost immediately, but managed to admit that it would be selfish for me to try to buy extra time with him. She assured me that no matter how much time we get with our pets, it never feels long enough. We spent a few more moments together until the procedure, and I held him one last time before he crossed the rainbow bridge.

My Career Emancipation

Exhausted and heartbroken, I took 2 days to try and catch my breath. The day I returned to work, I was unceremoniously let go over the phone. I must say, I was deeply unhappy at my last job. It was a toxic environment with incompetent management that couldn’t care less about the employees who kept the company afloat during the pandemic. I often wondered if my former supervisor had any joy in her life. She seemed to delight in terrorizing people, and regularly made one of my coworkers cry. When my other coworker wasn’t busy sneaking off with his “work wife,” he made snitching his full time job. His initials were a nickname for law enforcement, which was spot-on because he definitely acted like the police.  Working from home offered little refuge. We were constantly monitored and harassed about “staying productive.” Not a good place to be.

Either way, it’s never fun having the rug pulled out from under you, and the timing of this rug pull seemed especially grim. Was someone playing some sort of cruel joke on me? I had to laugh. “There must be some reason this is happening all at once,” I told myself. To my surprise when I checked my email later that day, I had received emails from 2 brands looking to collaborate on projects. Could I actually do something I enjoyed and get paid for it?! I let myself feel cautiously optimistic about the road ahead.

Friends Till the End

Over the next few months I managed to do some more freelance writing. During the summer I even had the opportunity to write a piece on Xula’s blog for Pride month –  a more public coming out as a bi cannabis consumer. I was excited to share my story with one of my oldest friends, who also happens to be a conservative Black woman and a devout Christian. For context, I’ve been left-leaning and non-religious for many years, and I practice a form of non-traditional spirituality. Opposites attract, right?

“We all have flaws”

When I came out to her she initially sounded supportive, but her language slowly warped into statements like “there’s nothing you could do that would make God not love you anymore,” “we all have flaws,” and “we all sin.”  Then she gave her testimony and tried to coerce me into coming back to church (for what seemed like the umpteenth time during our friendship). I respectfully but firmly declined. She appeared to be understanding but I could tell her energy had permanently shifted.

The text messages I sent in the following weeks were met with radio silence. She eventually responded with a long paragraph saying she’d been doing a lot of praying, and wanted to talk. I saw the writing on the wall. Over the phone she explained in a very roundabout way that she’d been praying about the kind of friendships she needed. That she’d been having fellowship with her brothers and sisters in Christ. How life-giving it was and how it highlighted what had been missing in her life. So she wouldn’t be able to communicate with me as much anymore because she was immersing herself in religion.

The Quiet Part Loud

She assured me that I hadn’t done or said anything to prompt this revelation. Basically saying the quiet part loud. Since I’m neither straight nor Christian, she felt it was just a bridge too far. I knew she didn’t want to invite anyone or anything that would disrupt her evangelical echo chamber. My intuition told me she was horrified by the new version of me that was emerging (thanks, Scorpio placements) but knowing the end was coming didn’t make it feel any less shitty.

Then she assured me that she’d pray some more and let me know what our friendship could look like going forward. I told her not to bother – if she felt that way about me we didn’t need to have a friendship at all. “I’ll continue to pray for you,” she said as I ended the conversation. I told her I wanted people in my life who were excited to be friends with me, and who loved me unconditionally, but I hope she finds what she’s looking for.

While mourning the loss of the friendship I simultaneously felt a huge wave of relief wash over me. I could discuss politics and explore cannabis and psychedelics, spirituality, astrology, numerology, tarot, and sexuality free from her judgement. Most importantly it pushed me all the way out of the closet – I decided that same night to come out to my parents. If anyone else in my life was going to react that way, I wanted to know ASAP. I was just so tired of waiting. The result was a pleasant surprise – my parents were loving and supportive in ways I hadn’t expected. It opened up lines of communication between us I didn’t know we could have, and added richness and depth to my connection with them.

From Grief to Growth

I’ve heard grief described as being dropped off in a brand new place you’ve never asked to visit without a map. Whether you’re dealing with an actual death, or mourning a loss or separation that feels like a death, the heaviness remains. I’ve allowed myself many times to be consumed with the grief of losing my dog, my income, my friend, and even my peace of mind. Saying goodbye to Titus was the most devastating thing I’ve ever had to do. But I’m so incredibly grateful for the almost 10 years that I got to provide him with a loving home, and for all the joy he brought to my life. 

As chaotic and stressful as losing that job was, I wouldn’t trade it for the relief I felt knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with a miserable manager or conniving coworkers. As a matter of fact, I’m reframing it as my “Career Emancipation.” It’s another step I’m taking to identify by who I am here and now, not who I was before. As painful as it was to walk away from an 18-year friendship, I’ve come to understand that what feels like rejection is actually protection and redirection. It sounds “woo” but it’s true! Every loss was like a death that forced me to birth a deeper identity.

Keep Your Head to the Sky

There are times this year when I’ve been so tired, and I wish I had time to truly rest and grieve everything that’s happened. However, I do have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve managed to stay healthy, and that I was able to get both doses of the vaccine in the Spring. This turning point in my life had opened up opportunities for me to do the work I’ve dreamt of doing for years, and to get paid while doing it! This year I was able to work on:

• My first freelance cannabis writing piece
• My first paid cannabis brand collaboration
• My first international cannabis project
• A cannabis-themed piece for Pride month that I’m immensely proud of
• Articles about other spirit tools , plant allies, and herbal remedies

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned the importance of living my truth and loving myself as I am, where I am. I didn’t have the capacity to be as present or consistent in this space as I hoped, and that’s okay. 2021 has been chaotic to say the least, and the overwhelm has felt like too much for me to bear at times. Unfortunately when I get overwhelmed, I get discouraged, and then I get stuck. Feeling stuck means even the things I enjoy most can be neglected (my blog especially). But I’m back now, and I’m more determined than ever to pour into myself and my own creative projects. I hope you’ll continue to do the same for the rest of this year and beyond.